Thursday, July 25, 2013

We're Young & in Love, so what?

Right now, all I want to do is just pour out whatever is on my mind. I've been reading a few things and hearing things about relationships and there's been a lot going on in my head about the subject. I don't normally talk too much about Darell (my boyfriend, in case you didn't know) online but it's only because I've been thinking about a bunch of different things that I'll talk about us in this post.
*NOTE: These thoughts are all completely my own, and I'm just typing out whatever comes to mind so apologies ahead of time if it doesn't make sense.

Darell & I in 2010 after one of our first dates
Darell & I last Sunday at church!


I've been with my boyfriend just over three years, and I can tell you now that those three years have definitely not been a walk in the park. Last year (2012) was, hands down, our roughest year. Somehow, we managed to get through everything and this year has been our best yet. 

Yesterday, one of my friends shared an article on Facebook entitled, "My husband is not my soul mate." I decided to read it because it seemed interesting, and I agreed with what the woman was saying in her post. I'd read similar posts before, and that reinforced certain things I was thinking about. 

This is what some of the blog post said: 
 "God’s plan is for us to be made more holy, more like Christ… not marry a certain person...
There is no biblical basis to indicate that God has one soul mate for you to find and marry. You could have a great marriage with any number of compatible people. There is no ONE PERSON for you. But once you marry someone, that person becomes your one person. As for compatibility, my mom would always pipe up when my girlfriends and I were making our lists of what we wanted in a spouse (dear well meaning Christian adults who thought this would help us not date scumbags: that was a bad idea and wholly unfair to men everywhere) that all that really mattered was that he loved the lord, made you laugh, and was someone you to whom you were attracted. The rest is frosting." -Hannah from theartinlife.wordpress.com (you can read the rest here.)
I'll admit, I've been guilty of this before as well. Of course everyone wants to think that out of the six or so billion people in the world, you found "the One." Throughout the past few months, I've definitely realized that there really isn't one person for you. However, when you're with that person you're with, it is because you consciously choose to be with them and love them every day. 
Now I'm not married, so my situation is a little different. But I bring up that whole concept because I also recently had a conversation with a friend about why I'm choosing to be with one person for the rest of my life and not going out and seeing what else is out there for me. 
I can easily choose to leave my boyfriend and "experience different types of love" as I've heard before, or "test the waters." And although I'm indecisive about a lot of things, my love life is not one of them. 

From growing up in a divorced family and getting my heart severely broken (so much that it affected my self-esteem and self-worth), I decided at a young age that I'd take dating seriously, and that I'd date with the intention of a long-term relationship/marriage. 

So many people think that people who get serious at a young age are more at odds to divorce and have their relationship not end well. I'm not completely disagreeing with that thought. As young adults, your mindset is set on different things like having fun, partying, friends, or whatever it is. But what I am saying is that it does not apply to everyone. 

God gave us the ability to choose for ourselves, so yes it is possible that my boyfriend or myself could change our minds about each other down the road and not end up together. But whether or not that does happen, I will still choose to love him every single day. 

Two people whose thoughts on love and marriage that have really stuck with me over the past few months are things that Darell's mom and uncle have said to me.

His uncle was telling us about the hardships he went through with his family before he married Darell's aunt. Through all of that, he knew what he wanted, and he stood up for it, no matter how crazy he may have seemed. 

One day, I was talking to his mom about my dad's thoughts on relationships, that one fight automatically equals a bad relationship. His mom had been married to his dad for 21 years, and she said that fights are normal and not always a bad thing. In any relationship, romantic or not, it's gonna happen. She said that if you want your marriage to last, you have to fight through those fights, even if you don't want to deal with it. The problem with so many marriages today is that couples forget that promise they make to each other on their wedding day (for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part) and once they get to the "for worse" part, they call it quits. 

However, I am NOT talking about extreme situations like domestic violence. That's something different. What I am talking about is when couples argue or fight or aren't having the best part of their relationship for whatever reasons there are. What Darell's mom talked to me about is that she and her husband talk through whatever it is that they go through and make it work. They still choose to love each other every single day. 

People may say whatever they like about our relationship or the relationships of others who may be in similar situations, but as a word of encouragement, stand up for your relationship and fight through whatever may be going on. You're not alone. 

So even though I may not be married, these kinds of thoughts go through my mind all the time. It's normal to think about, especially if you've been in a long-term relationship with someone. Marriage is a lifetime commitment you make to your friends and family, but more importantly to God. It is something that we all want to do "right," but there is no formula other than having God first, your significant other second, and you last. Everything else is a variable. 

14 comments:

  1. As someone who has been married for 16 years, I can honestly say marriage is HARD! It isn't all love and roses. My husband and I have had good years and bad years - that's why vows say "in good times and bad". If you want a strong marriage, it's a lot of work. Both of you need to be committed to making it work for the long haul. If one of you isn't sure, the marriage will fall apart. Do I believe in soul mates? Not really. My husband isn't the kind of person I ever saw myself with, but my mind and heart were open to experiencing new things and meeting new people. Sometimes it's the little, silly things that make you fall in love with a person.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for your thoughts & input, Carolyn! I definitely agree with you! I definitely want to work and get to that 16 year mark myself, one day [:

      Delete
  2. I don't know if my husband is my soul mate. We met in high school and we were friends before started dating and then we fell in love. I do know that throughout the years, even when I experienced other kinds of love, nothing has ever come close to the feelings of true love and devotion that we have for each other. And after the most difficult times in our life together, we came through it stronger and with a deeper love. Having been married now for 21 years, I can say that all relationships are work and when you give the relationship attention and make it a priority (just like your relationship with God) it will flourish. You are on the right track!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for briefly sharing your story with your husband, Melissa! Thank you for your support as well [:

      Delete
  3. There was a song when I was young (dating myself here) titled, "I Just Want To Be Your Everything." While I believe that people can have a happy, successful relationship with or without a deity, or a miserable one WITH one, I think you have your head screwed on right with the idea of NOT expecting your spouse to be "your everything."

    Nobody can be somebody else's "everything." Attraction, tenderness, feelings of love are great, but having other priorities, like faith and family, help make a relationship last. Best of luck to you on this path.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I definitely agree with you Beverly, when you say that your spouse shouldn't be your everything. It's just not a healthy way to be, and I've definitely been guilty of making my significant others my everything in high school. But thank you so much for your thoughts & support! I really appreciate it! [:

      Delete
  4. This is a great post! I'm not a religious person but your main point is true: You CHOOSE to love that person every day. Everyone here has free will. (That said, you can also choose to cheat on a spouse, break it off, blah blah.) Loving someone is not an auto-response virus thing that happens when you get married. It is a conscious decision (on both parties). I'm a COD (child of divorce) as well, and I took for-friggin-ever to commit to one person and marry that person. (Ie. we dated for 7 years before we got married...ok mostly that was because we were both lazy to plan a wedding and it dragged out. Ha!) I think CODs either go nuts with dating or they commit... probably because of their experiences as CODs.

    You and your guy do what's right and what feels right for you and your guy. No one else.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha yes, that last comment about COD's is very true. But thank you so much for your response and support! I greatly appreciate it! [:

      Delete
  5. You have some very smart people commenting above. I've been with my husband for 22 years (we've been married for 13) and I'm also a COD so I understand many of the things you put forth.

    I didn't want to get married because I never believed that a piece of paper made a difference in how committed you are to someone. We did get married and while it's conventional I can't say that it ever really changed the way I feel about my husband (it still feels weird saying husband to be honest).

    I feel that there are no guarantees in this life even with marriage and that you have to roll the dice. I love my husband with my full heart and yet marriage is difficult! Communication about the way you feel and how you think are key. Human beings grow and if you don't allow the person that you're committed to know all that you are (and are becoming over time), it doesn't matter what you said at the altar because you need to live in the now. Don't get me wrong the now can be good - it just needs to be shared with your partner!

    My husband is my best friend and we've been through a TON together. I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else (and I'd believe he'd say the same) but I still try to take it day by day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Melissa, thank you so much for your input, I really appreciate all that you said. & yes, I agree that communication is key to any relationship, romantic or not. I love hearing your thoughts as well as everyone else's. Thank you so much! [:

      Delete
  6. This is such a lovely post, Kriselle. I can't offer too much more insight beyond what all these other kind people have shared but I will say, at 34 years old, I'm *still* figuring it all out and I think that's just fine. I gave myself permission to not be perfect long ago! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha, thank you so much for the encouragement, AJ! I really appreciate it [:

      Delete
  7. This is great Kriselle. I went through a lot of issues with my past relationship that was 3 years. We grew differently, but we didn't break up because we fought too much. If it's broke, you should fix it!
    This is so insightful, I'm in a LDR and I get reader's asking about it. You kind of convinced me to post about it!
    xoxo
    AV

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ashley, that's great! I'm so honored to know that I inspired you to post about your relationship! I definitely think you should if you feel like there are some important aspects that your readers could benefit from! Can't wait to read it! [:

      Delete

Talk to me! If you have something to say about this post, say it! I want to know. Happy commenting! [: